now

i just looked over my post and realize how bad my condition is. 

i would say it start with my grieving. i just realized i was in bargaining stage for over a year. when i found out my cholesterol level is high, i realized i am having the same lifestyle as my dad. meaning i'm heading the same path as him. thinking my life would end at 60, just like him. i do everything to change that. in fact, i was obsessed to get my cholesterol level to go down in everyway possible. i thought a no meat diet is a way to go, but i was wrong.

3 months into a diet, i plan to go to enjoy a concert. too bad, it was stopped midway due to crowd issue. the song that i'm sooo excited to see was not performed yet. i'm so upset. i think i never been that disappointed before. the concert was supposed to be a grand reward for dieting sooo hard for 3 months. 

about 3 months later i went to another concert. i deserve it, i said to myself. i did. the song that i've wait so much met my high expectation. they actually play it twice. they also played a song from a group that i missed so much. it was a blast. such a great concert. but i don't feel that much better the next day. i don't know why. i guess the disappointment from the last concert is still hovering. scrap that, it is not a 'guess' i did still disappointed at that time. at some point, i finally can bring myself to watch the footage i took that faithful day, but i feel even more sad after.

in fact, i think i start day dreaming. my day dreaming gets longer and longer.

i think, i must be lonely. i did feel lonely. i think that this is why i start day dreaming. i think that is why the day dreaming gets longer and longer. 

i thought the loneliness that i felt was from the fact that i cut someone out of my life around this time 2 years ago. and i kinda wish it would gone differently. i think this is also when i realized about my equation. 

almost 3 years since my dad passed away and i've been thinking about childfree lately. i have to re-navigate my future plan, adding my little brothers into the equation. the youngest is 13 years old, in 6 years he will get into college, let's say he is doing great and graduate in 4 years. i will give him  an extra 3 years to get a decent job and getting stability. that's 13 years from now-what a looooong ass ride. by then, i will be 42 years old. ini variabel tetap.

my brother (the middle kid) will help along the way, sure. he is now 24 (graduated last year), i will give him 2 years until we can share family financial responsibility. in 10 years, it is possible that he got married (meaning he will be responsible to another human being and a possible baby). there is a lot that can change along the way, i don't feel like depending on my brother uncertainty for the youngest sake.

that is my background situation. i would say it is my equation.

let's say my first kid born when i'm 35 years old. with the same calculation, my kid will get into college when i'm already 54 years old. even if the kid graduated in 4 years, i will be 58 years old. my dad passed away when he reach 60. i know i shouldn't, but i will use 60 as my reasonable limit (i don't feel like i will be that much of beneficial to my kid after turning 60 anyway, i mean, most likely, i will eventually become a burden).

its sooo depressing just writing about it. 

well, maybe i watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S too many times. sorry for the abrupt blaming. i just think too much about what Rachel said in her 30th birthday (cuz i'll be 30 soon). 

Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant…
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!
Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it!

This is how i came up with my equation. i hope i could find something similar to Prada maternity clothes. gosh, never thought i would be pissed at Rachel this way.

ok, i'm rambling too far.

in less than 3 months i got the opportunity to watch a DJ. i know it wont be the same as replacing the experience of watching the whole group performing the song that i'm anticipating so much. but i got lucky just to get the ticket. sooo... this should be good.

until it was not. the DJ got sick so the event was postponed and later cancelled all together. soo unfortunate. again. now that i think about it, this is likely the trigger. i'm getting upset over something that i can not controlled. i'm disappointed. again. 

it almost like i was get hurt by this group because i get cancelled twice. its somehow become personal. i just realized why. when my dad passed away, their song is the one that get me through the day. i like them more since. that is why i felt the cancelled event like a betrayal. that is why it hurt. it is not just upset or disappointment.

then, for about 4 months i was just existing. this is hard. i start using ojol again to work and back. i just think it was safer for me. i kinda scared i might snap one day while i had to cross a railway.

its good that i can finally piece everything together. understanding my situation better. and hopefully get a solution...