about future

i've been questioning myself about what am i going to do next in 2016. right after i got accepted in UI by just one shot of SIMAK. i am very grateful, definitely. but, it was overwhelming, not gonna lie. UI is such a big deal. if you are an UI graduate, people will expect you A LOT. of course, my overthinking self will naturally wary about future. what if i can not contribute as much as an average UI graduate? 

and i've been overthinking it since July or August 2016 (after the announcement). class actually start in mid September 2016, i feel small right away. being a graduate from unknown school with zero friend. my first semester GPA is not helping at all. i really can't just sit and listen (like i used to be) anymore. thankfully, i got to know friends that last up until now. I TRULY TREASURE THEM.

now that i think about it, i'm such a stubborn. right from the beginning.

back in 2014 or 2015 (?) i was supposed to do an internship in a short semester (in order to graduate early). but i bolted because its not the place i wanted. my slot was replaced by then a long friend. one day he told me his internship experience, and  thankfully, i'm not regretting my decision.

normally, i should be graduate in 2019. but i really just take my time mainly because i don't know what am i gonna do next. then a storm coming. i finally graduate in late 2020. i'm not proud of it, but I'M GRATEFUL.

a year later, i still have no idea what am i going to do next. well at least, up until today.

well, i got plan that actually running right now. its CPNS. it was not a desirable option before pandemic. but ASN is prioiritized during vaccination. in the next 10-20 years when another pandemic hits, i will be in a vulnerable age, not an elder but also not young anymore. and i will have my own family to protect by then. being an ASN will at least guarantee my healthcare in the future.

i've been too positive about getting accepted, so I check my status in the competition. i've done the preliminary test (SKD) and happy about the result, simply because i did way better than last year. welp, apparently my current status is dangerous. i passed the test, but i might not be able to go to the next round. the preliminary test are not over yet for outside Jakarta. if there are 5 more candidates that having better score, i'll be out.  

reality hits hard. what do i do if this is not worked out? i've been hating my job this few days for unnessesary drama and really hope i could resign. i know, what an ungratefull ass.

then i search about Chevening scholarship. study in UK. its has been a pushed back dream since i can not graduate in time. 

I WANT TO DO IT NOW.

if i fail to go to the next round, i will focus on this. its what i initially want anyway. by then Jeven already graduate too. actually a perfect timing.

i still thinking what major i should apply but somehow, i know what am i going to do next already. 

teaching. 

never thought i would ever consider teaching before. but so does about CPNS. people change, i change. 

my actual dream job was being part of corruption eradication, working in KPK. i really want to participate in Indonesia Memanggil back in 2015, too bad they only have open position for bachelor degree and i only finished my diploma. this is the only time i regret not taking an undergraduate programme and a reason why i'm continuing my study.

i always checking if KPK will arrange another Indonesia Memanggil, but they never did. now that i think about it, how could such a big enforcement did not held annual job fair in the past 5 years? this is actually odd. i mean with sooo many cases that needed to be investigated, how come they are not doing a single recruitment? 

2020 answered. they somehow firing their own investigator and now their employment status is ASN. 

Corruption eradication is a downstream effort. Corruption will always happening. Its been happening since A LONG TIME AGO and it will happen IN THE FUTURE too. it will be just different people, different game.

WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING IN THE UPSTREAM. watching my environtment, my own friends, i realized how LOW HONESTY and INTEGRITY are being VALUED. WE SHOULD CHANGE THAT.

and its start from EDUCATION.

back in high school, i was secluded from my friends in 9th grade because i refused to respond a 'call' during exam. oh, i am not regretting it at all. i can see clearly since the day they secluded me, which one is a liar or manipulatif. Who is scared and just wanna go through in quite. And who that actually valued me as person with principe. 

it has been this way since. and i think the one of the way we can change that is through education. to give a new perspective. to make a better mindset.

i hope i can manifest my dream through this writing.