confession

i just finish a book, "the program". its a story when suicide is an international epidemic. a time when suicide is contagious.

i'm choosing this book at the very last minute.

when i read the summary in the back i know i would finish this book immediately.
yep. i do wondering why go hara, wait, nothing is confirm though. i'll stop there.

now the story.

i notice in the book people did not "allow" teenage to grief or to express negative emotion. because when they do express their sad, upset, frustrated or any other emotion that link to depression, they will get "flagged" and sent to "the program" a facility that will erase any memories that trigger the depression.

at this point, these teenage are not just depress by whatever happen in their life but also the pressure of "I HAVE TO LOOK OKAY"

i think thats relatable.

i know i've been slacking a lot since the beginning of 2019. a friend actually said, "i will accompany you if you want to see a psychologist" and i push that idea away immediately. like, why would i?

at the same time, the last three months i've been realize that i avoid a lot emotions. I TRIED NOT TO FEEL ANYTHING. thats insane.

at first i was upset about my skripsi that did not go as i expected. i just kept upset about it. the last semester subject was really hard compare to the previous one and i kept upset about it too. i just kept upset and don't know how to stop and move on.

i give up. EASILY.  enroll new semester.

not really made a progress. hurry up at the last month. almost made it but then bang. my dad got hospitalized. it was Ramadhan. my dad will get a surgery and all i do was iftar with ozy. i felt that it will make me feel a lot more better than at home feeling miserable and crying all night. i'm pretty sure ozy notice something is wrong with me but yeah, i don't care. i just don't wanna be alone at that moment.

a few days after i go home and see my dad in hospital. he's condition getting worse that day, he's back to ICU, worst than ever. he even need a ventilator to breath. INSANE. i just kept crying from that day. I KEPT CRYING WHENEVER I REMEMBER THIS TIME. even now. when i write this, in the office. insane.

ITS BREAK MY HEART. how could the strongest person i know will collapse and dying in front of me? JUST HOW? how dare he. how dare he said "how are you gonna take care of other people later when you can't take care of yourself now?" to my face whenever i got sick but now he's sick more than i ever do?

its sad.

its bring the same amount of sadness just to re-read what i just write.

and i've been in this state of emotion since then.